Here’s the thing…or at least the latest thing…I can’t really see anymore. The problem with my lack of eyesight is I haven’t actually admitted it to myself. I mean, I have the glasses, because, you know, I can’t actually see anymore, but I am unwilling to wear them all of the time. For several reasons I guess. One, it is a huge nuisance. For forty years I didn’t wear glasses so I have no idea how to keep track of them or remember to bring them to important places…such as restaurants and appointments that require me to fill out paperwork. Secondly, every time I put them on I can hear my college roommate chant, “Men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” This honestly has no bearing on my life, I am happily married and not seeking out men, but it is what I hear so I instantly feel unattractive when I put them on.
I have tried a few varieties of the glasses and have basically settled on the “Tori Spelling” pair. They are Marshall’s glasses that I can buy in bulk, cheap, and in funky colors, and when my husband sees me in them he says, “Well, Hello Tori.” because they resemble the ones she wears on her reality show. Listen, I would rather be Jennie Garth in a Bev. Hills 90210 comparison, but the fact that I am not being called Andrea is a bonus and I am going to have to take what I can get. And if you got this whole paragraph, I know how old you are and what you were doing in the 80’s.
I also want to lose ten pounds. This has basically been a mantra that has followed me my whole life, except for maybe five minutes at the end of a successful stint at weight watchers. It turns out that with every year I age the ten pounds just gets harder and harder to lose. In college those ten pounds could be lost with a fabulous diet of gummy bears and diet coke. After babies number one and two, the ten pounds came off with a little careful watching of what I ate. Babies number three and four required a trip to Weight Watchers and the ten pounds after chemo was accomplished with Nutri-System.
Now I just want to lose them because I am 42. Only I don’t want to watch what I eat, go to Weight Watchers or order any Nutri- System food (nor can I currently afford any of these things because I have the four overcommitted children I am paying many, many lessons for). Basically, I am unwilling to do any work whatsoever. So, I either need to suck it up and do one of the above mentioned programs, or I need to suck it up and admit I am not going to lose the ten pounds.
Recently, I was at the Disneyland pool (not swearing) when I had a fabulous revelation. I was there, in my swimsuit and age appropriate cover-up, thinking about the ten pounds I did not lose before the vacation. I might also, possibly, have been thinking about the ten pounds while I was having a beer and eating some french fries. As I was contemplating my journey from the chair to the hot tub in my bathing suit without the cover-up, I started looking around. Looking and assessing the situation. There were a lot of women there with their kids. Most were in bathing suits, some with the cover-up and many without.
Of these many women in bathing suits, there was this one woman. This one woman, who was about my age, looked fabulous. And while she looked fabulous, it was the kind of fabulous that had not come easily. Let’s face it this woman was working out, there were weights involved, possibly some jogging, and she did not have a beer or french fries anywhere near her. And she was sporting a two-piece as she yelled to her children, and hauled her baby around. I won’t lie to you, she looked good. So, feeling like I could no longer walk confidently from pool to hot tub in my Gap, black, tankini, I let myself move on to the other women at the pool. Listen, I’m not going to go into a lot of adjectives or descriptive words here, but I will say that no one else was sporting a two piece, and as it turns out, no one else was even sporting a tankini. It was then that I realized it…I was in second place.
With little to no work, and french fries and beer in hand, I was in second place. I wasn’t the hot mom in the two piece, but I wasn’t doing too badly. Since this remarkable day, where I landed in second place, I have tried out my theory at other pools and public venues. There are times where I must be honest with myself and admit that I am not in second, and I fall down to third or fourth, and being as I live in small town where the women really keep themselves up, sometimes there is even a fifth place. But, consistently I am in the top five and even more consistently…second place.
Since I have decided (for this moment) not to lose the ten pounds, I am now working out in the hopes that I could maybe, possibly firm up the ten pounds. I actually like to work out, and it always go well for awhile, and then sadly the four kids I have get in the way of a consistent workout routine. The worst part is that once you start working out it turns out that it does feel better (and you look better) then the plan that I really enjoy, which is sitting at home eating potato salad and watching reality T.V.
Luckily, when all is said and done, I can return to my original problem…I can’t actually see anymore. Obviously, since I can’t get the glasses to the important places, they rarely make it into my closet or bathroom. So in the end I can’t see the extra ten pounds anymore, and remember I’m still in second place. Not bad for this underachiever...I’ll take it.